The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.