I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..