I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.