I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
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wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I think this should do it.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.