If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not