While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
definitely did not do anything wrong
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.