The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.