Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.