I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
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Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.