went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
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When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.