Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
What my back needs
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”