If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”