Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
mariah carrie
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.