Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
You Might Also Like
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
courtroom exchange of the day
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available