People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.