I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Made something I’m not proud of
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.