When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.