Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Not all heroes wear capes…
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.