Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
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Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
me 2 months after i graduated
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
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Expectations vs. Reality
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My biological clock is wheezing.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient