The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
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Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Raisins are grape jerky.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.