[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
☺️
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
CRYING
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.