her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.