I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”