Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
But that’s none of my business
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
no their not
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…