[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
You Might Also Like
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
What the hell is going on?
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.