When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.