No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Erm…
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are