Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters