Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
what does he know…
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶