Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
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Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
#Caturday
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Leaving the Barbers like
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1