Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it