Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Employees must applaud the planets.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard