My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke