It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.