I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
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My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Möther may I have a snäck
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.