Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.