I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.