[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
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Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Home is where your toilet is.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
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