A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun