You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman