a lot to unpack here
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I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Baller is short for ballerina
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.