I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
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Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*