I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I support this random dude and all his protests
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it鈥檇 be Blood Bath & Beyond.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PI脩ATA
A classic…
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Whoa 馃槀
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i鈥檓 never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.