Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
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waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?