age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator