The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
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Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Quadruple digit IQ