It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.