Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?