When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
is this a threat
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Batman v Dracula
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon