My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
i baked you a cake
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
All food is good if you spell it wrong
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.